Have you ever noticed that when you first introduce the fact that you and your significant other have split, all of the creepers come out of the woodwork? The day that I was first brave enough to admit that my marriage was in the beginning stages of crumpling under my feet was the day that I first experienced someone by today’s society would consider a “fuckboy”.
I just came home from working a 12 hour shift. I was tired, I was hungry and I was cranky. I decided to go outside and smoke a cigarette while my dog was outside doing his nightly routine before cuddling into bed and watching “The Simpsons” until falling asleep. I felt a vibrate in my pocket and the singing of my notification ringtone telling me that I had a new message. Who could it be? Who wants to talk to me this late at night? Was it my husband trying to get a hold of me? No. It was who we are going to refer to as “Mr. Fuckboy” for this entry. I had a confused look on my face as to why he would be messaging me. He himself was just married less than a month before. Why would he be in my inbox? With a deep breath I opened up the message to see him asking me if my husband and I had reconciled or did he need to whip him into shape? Um, what? who was this person to be sending me such a message when I don’t even really know this person or have spoken more than a few words to him? I was very hesitant and chose not to respond. My immediate thought was that he was drunk and somehow I was in his crossfire for a typical drunk message and at that point being as cranky as I was and my feet throbbing from running around for 12 hours I decided to shut my phone off and go to sleep.
The next few weeks go by and I cross paths with even more people who are trying to get a one night stand or have a friend with benefits. Never in my life did I ever think that I would be a person who would randomly jump into bed with someone without having some sort of feelings for them, and in the 27 years that I have been on this Earth I never have been. Yes, I do understand that there are people out there that have these types of relationships and by no means am I judging them. Please do not think that about me. I just have never had enough confidence in myself to be in a room naked with someone and think that sex is going to turn out well. This is coming from the girl that laughs at sex scenes in movies because I feel awkward for them. Anyways, lets get back on track. This past week I made a post on Facebook showing a meme that I thought was funny. Nothing more than just funny.
I didn’t think that it would do anything more than give a few people some laughs. Boy was I wrong. I took a break at work looked at my phone and saw where Mr. Fuckboy had sent me a message. Dun, dun, dun. What could he possibly want know? He couldn’t possibly be drunk this early in the morning could he? With a deep breath, I opened the message. My jaw hit the floor. My stomach was in knots. What could he have possibly said to make me feel so sick to my stomach?
“I’m awake and poor but I just finished a long midnight shift and dropped the kids off so I can now go and take a nap…
Oh my….. it should say i dropped the kids off an hour ago and i should already be smelling your pu**y, smells like roses. and i better have something big to show you. lol,, com’on you have to smile with me. maybe im small like a colt.. or maybe you’ll get lucky”
Some pic up line huh? I was shocked. I was stunned and I was sick. A married man with small children sent me this message, but why? Is he that unhappy in his own marriage that he thinks that its okay to send this to people? Am I first person that he has sent this message too? Or am I just one of the many that he is sending this message too?
Growing up I always wanted a love story. I wanted to have a soul mate for life. I often think that I was born into the wrong lifetime. In today’s society it’s not frowned upon to live in a hookup culture. No I dont condone what people do, but its not the lifestyle that I wanted to live. There are very few of us in the world that still want one thing. Long true everlasting love. I want to grow old with someone. I want to live and experience life with one person. So how is it that we got to the place that we are today? Where we just hookup and go. No emotions involved, no feelings involved. Is it that we are so terrified of getting hurt that we avoid it all together? Or is it the idea that we are just scared of living life with one person only? I’m not sure about you all who are reading this but I know that when I first got married I thought that it would be my first and only marriage. And now that that marriage has crumbled Im starting all over again. Does it mean that I believe my love or my soulmate isn’t out there waiting for me? No, of course not. Even through my most toxic of relationships I believe that my forever is still out there waiting for me. Waiting for me to come into his life and change it in the most positives of ways. I know that he is out there looking for me that way that I am looking for him.
So why did I share my experience with Mr Fuckboy? I wanted to share this experience to show you never settle for anyone that thinks its okay to talk to you this way. My marriage ended because I didn’t realize my own worth in the beginning. I didn’t think that it should have been a big deal when I would come home after working, make dinner, and clean the house for my husband to not even consider picking up the phone for one second to say that he was going to be home late, or that he decided to go to the firehouse instead of coming home. Was I hurt? Of course I was but what could I do about it? At the time I thought nothing. But then day by day I began to learn that I deserved that phone call. He could have even made it easier on himself by sending me a text message since that’s all the rage in this day and age, but the truth of the matter is that most relationships not don’t take the time to consider how the other person feels. But the truth is, you are the only one that can do anything about the way YOU feel. Only you can love yourself and tell yourself that you deserve better. And the day that you start believing it is the day that your life is going to change forever. Never settle for anything that you just think will cause you happiness. Do the things or be with the person THAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. And through everything, never lose your true self.
I am a romantic. Waiting for my forever. Though I may not have that love right now I love myself enough to wait for it.