I have created this blog to put into words my thoughts of how life is like for me as a newly single woman. I have always been one to write my thoughts and feelings into a journal but I realized that my journey may also help others that are going through the same experience that I am. My hope is that you can find comfort in my story and in my humor of what its like for me, to help you during your healing process.
So who am I you ask? My name is Mandeline. I am 27 years old (soon to be 28, yikes) living in a very small part of a very large town, working in the medical field. My entire life I have been surrounded by people who married their high school sweethearts and lived happily ever after. My grandmother and grandfather ran away and eloped at 17, and just celebrated 53 years of marriage. My mother and father grew up together. At 11 years old my mother pulled my father behind a tree in her front yard, kissed him, and told him that one day they would be married. 5 years later, they were engaged. This past May, they celebrated 31 years of marriage. My sister followed suit. Met her husband in middle school. Engaged at 16. Married at 20 and then 3 beautiful children to follow. I grew up thinking that was the same plan that I was to follow. I was going to meet a boy in highschool, fall madly in love with him, get engaged, get married and live happily ever after. Bad news for me, it didn’t happen that way.
Very early on I was jinxed when it came to relationships. My first puppy love relationship was with someone a little older. I was 14 and he was 16. I received my first job and went to work. Paying my own way. Unfortunately, one night a regular that came to my work decided that he was going to assault me and take the one thing away from me that would change the way I viewed relationships from very early on. My trust. Because I was still living in the mind set that I was going to love one person, marry one person, have children with one person, and lose my virginity to one person, my boyfriend was aware that I was not going to have sex with him. I wanted to wait until I was married and knew that I would be spending a lifetime with someone that I could love and trust forever. The night that I was assaulted, like every other young girl I was mortified. Thought that I somehow brought it upon myself. When I told my boyfriend that night thinking that I would be comforted, I was told by him that I was a tease and deserved everything I got.. from then on my view on the world of relationships and love was forever changed.
Flash forward 7 years and a slew of toxic relationships later, I was able to reconnect with someone that I went to high school with. We never had any classes together but I remember seeing him in my home room and thinking of how cute he was. I would have told you that you were crazy had you told me that one day I was going to be married to this person. We started hanging out and a friendship had started to develop into something more. I was extremely hesitant at first but at the same time trying to fill a void. Filling the spot in my life of never being happy and wanting to be happy at the same time. 2 and half years later we were engaged, and 2 more years after that we were married. For the first time in life I felt like I was finally on the right path in life. But the truth of the matter is that marriage is hard. If anyone ever tells you that marriage is easy, ignore them. A marriage is a partnership. Two willing participants who will do everything and anything to make their marriage work. If one of those participants isn’t willing, the marriage isn’t going to work. The one thing that differed between my husband and I was communication. I needed it, he didn’t. I grew up in a household in which if there was an issue you talked about it. He grew up in a household in which there was a problem you left the room, stewed in your own anger, never apologizing and eventually getting over the situation. Most people I speak to now say we were doomed from the beginning. I was optimistic. For the first time ever I had someone that said that they loved me, and I believed it. I felt that we would be able to work through things no matter how bad they got or how different we were, and trust me, we were different. But unfortunately, our conversations began to fade over time and we saw each other less and less.
Most people in relationships want to feel valued. I was no different. I worked two jobs to pay bills and get food on the table and all I ever asked in return was to come home every now and again to the dishes being washed or laundry being done. One less thing I would have to worry about when I was able to come home. Our marriage failed because we allowed it too. Is that something that I am proud of? No. Is it something that I wish I could go back and change. Yes. But unfortunately I can’t. What I know is that life is something that changes over time. Things that we expect to last forever don’t and sometimes the best people are handed the hardest of situations. But I am now dealing with life as it is being handed to me. Trying to learn how to live life again as a newly single divorcee. I have chosen to write about my process in hopes that my experiences will somehow help others going to the same thing. I hope that somehow we can grow and learn together, and thank you for allowing me to share my experience with you. I hope to hear from you all soon.