This is a question that I have asked myself over and over again for years. Why? Are we too afraid that time is going to get the best of us and if we wait to long that we will never find true happiness? In doing so, we rush, we move fast, we push forward to later be filled with sadness and regrets. I was this person. For a long time I went through relationship being the person that they wanted me to be. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of saying that a relationship didn’t work because of me. In the process what I didn’t realize that with each relationship that past, I lost a piece of me at the same time.
Fast forward a few relationships and that began to change. I became the person that I felt was true to myself. I spoke my mind. If I was mad, they were going to know. If they did something to hurt me, they were going to know. In the process I learned that most men can’t handle what I like to call “the alpha female”. When my marriage was coming to an end I knew that it wasn’t because I wasn’t true to myself, but unfortunately I wasn’t true to them. No this does not mean that I wasn’t loyal and cheated on my husband. I never did & despite all the problems that we had the thought never crossed my mind. What I mean is that the expectations that I had for them was something that they would never be able to live up too. I chose someone who I felt that I had enough in common with to eventually tolerate and then pick and chose the qualities that I liked and the ones that I wanted to change. In hindsight I should have known that most people will never change. I was never going to change the fact that I considered myself “the alpha female” by speaking my mind and voicing my opinions, going out and doing what I needed to do to get bills paid and food on the table. But the one thing that I always wanted in a partner was someone who could communicate. Doesn’t seem like I was asking for much right? Wrong. Unfortunately I tended to date men who lacked the mind-set to comprehend what a good conversation between two people should be. Little true fact, when I was married I would call my husband on my lunch breaks. I only got 30 minutes but I figured it would be enough time to discuss his day and what he was going and then allow myself time to bitch and exaggerate unnecessary stressors for the remaining time.. I was wrong. within the first two minutes his entire conversation was done.
“How was your day?”
“What are you doing?”
So now what do I do with the remaining 28 minutes on my break? Truth be told, sometimes we’d sit in complete silence listening to each other breathe into the phone… and why? I wasn’t happy with that. I wanted more than that. But I also knew bringing up the idea that he barely spoke to me would ensue a huge fight that I decided just wasn’t worth it. For a long time I felt that’s what I deserved. I deserved someone who couldn’t find things to talk about with me on the phone during the day. I deserved someone who didn’t know what to say to me to cheer me up when I was having a bad day I deserved to go home after my second job to ask about his day to get a one word answer in response.. For a long time I convinced myself that I was happy with that life, even when I wasn’t. Sometimes I would lay in the bed in tears and my husband wouldn’t say a word. It wasn’t until I started to go and do things on my own that I realized that I didn’t in fact deserve that life. I deserved to be with someone who would enjoy conversations with me. Who would call me before I would call them. Those are the things that I wanted in a relationship and things that I didn’t have. I settled… and for the first time in my life. I wasn’t okay with it.
Listen, I know that life is scary, and the idea of spending your whole life alone, is scary. But something that is even scarier to me is the idea of spending my entire life unhappy with someone constantly thinking that a change will happen when I can just go out and find someone who can give me the things I want in life. And you my friend… can have the same. You just have to be brave enough to take the first step… and I know that you, you are braver than you think.