Hello Dear Friend,
I like to start our time together as if we have known each other for years. We are two gals or a guy and a gal sitting at a coffee shop, drinking lattes just catching up on life. There is so much to catch up on… so many thoughts running through my mind.
Like being single for the first time in a long time, after being with one man for 13 years…. is scary. I don’t even think scary is the word to use to describe it.. its terrifying. Trying to find your place back in the world by yourself when for as long as you can remember is walking out with your spouse. Going to dinner with your spouse. Going to family events with your spouse. The first family outing that I went to after my husband and I separated was an anxiety attack waiting to happen.. “Where’s your husband?” my grandmother asked and I could immediately feel all eyes on me… as it goes dead silent. Do I lie and pray she doesn’t find out? Or do I tell the truth and then start to dodge all the questions that are to follow? Truth.. the truth is always better. I sit with my grandmother and explain to her how my husband and I decided to separate.. and to my surprise… my grandmother was encouraging.. what? why? how? Is this how it supposed to go? Wheres the questions as when, or why, or who decided to split.. nope. My grandmother didn’t need answers to those questions.. all she needed was to know at that current moment in time was I happy.. and all I could answer was I didn’t know..
I do not believe that anyone can ever really be happy that their marriage is over. It is not easy having to tell people that you no longer have a plus one to events and then wait for everyone to bombard your business at once. But that question has still stood with me. “Are you happy?” For the first time in awhile I actually had to sit down and think about myself.. my feelings.. my emotions. For so long I was the one that was always concerned about how others were, or how my spouse felt. Was he happy? Am I making him happy? Am I a good wife? That I never took the time to actually sit down and think about how I felt until after we separated. Why was that? Did I feel that my happiness in our marriage was not important as long as he was happy? Or the fear of bringing up my unhappiness to hear that he does not care? It is a whirlwind of questions and emotions that pop up daily. But now, now its about me… I am finally taking the time to sit and think about how I feel after years of not being able to do that.. and the answer is… No. No, I am not happy.
Please understand that I asked for our separation. I asked for him to move out. I believe that my husband always had an idea that it was coming but did not expect me to be strong enough as a person to be able to tell him it is what I needed. Well that my friend, was the first step for me and my journey of loving myself. I finally had the courage to stand up and say for the first time without fear, “I am not happy in this marriage.” Now Friend, please do not think that I just had this great epiphany and then told my husband to leave the house, no. That is not the case at all. I had been very unhappy in my marriage for a long time. I spoke to my husband in regards to it and the night that he told me “I do not care how you feel” was the night that I decided that if he didn’t find value in me, that I needed to find the value in myself. That moment of me being able to tell him I was not happy was a moment in time that I was able to give myself a little bit of self love and self respect that I had never given myself before. I was the one who would do anything to please my husband and did not expect much in return.. but over the years and the same treatment.. the truth is, I lost myself. I lost the things that I loved to do most, I lost friends, hobbies, family, you name it. I sunk into a whole of depression and anxiety that I could never get out of…. and in that one little moment of exclaiming my unhappiness… I was giving myself a little of that back.. taking back the things that made me happy so I would no longer need to feel this way anymore… because isn’t the most important thing that we ourselves are happy? Only time will tell with my happiness… do not wait for yours.
Goodbye Dear Friend.
Until Next Time