There is a popular quote that says “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”- Alfred Lord Tennyson
But the question that I often find myself asking is if this is really true or not? The pain that comes from truly loving someone is enough for anyone to question this famous quote.. isn’t it? If I hadn’t fallen in love with a particular person who decided to break my heart would I have just fallen in love with another who would have done the same thing? Or what if fear would have held me back and then the next person would have been the right one but I wouldn’t allow my heart to get close to anyone? What if while dating the wrong one, i met the right one, but was too busy with Mr. Wrong to notice Mr. Right? There are lots of questions that people have, but the truth is that we were not meant to spent our time here on Earth alone. Love is only as natural as heartache. I believe in life we go through certain things as test, and with these come natural emotions that we can not help but feel.
When I was married I was going through a transition in life. Being on my own for the very first time in life. Being an ‘adult’ so to speak. Going to work, paying rent, grocery shopping, staying on track of my bills and my new found responsibilities as a wife. Sometimes I sit back and look at that time as the moment that I truly found myself in life. For so long I was worried that I was not good enough for anyone and the truth is that even throughout my marriage I still had that feeling. Not only to take care of someone but have someone take care of me. Not in the sense that they had to work all the time and I stayed back to be a homemaker and mom… I still had to establish my own independence, but during this time I also discovered that the plans that you have for yourself in life are not the plans that are actually going to work out for you. See God has your plan, you think that you are living it..but in reality He is in control of it.. my depression was so much to deal with at that moment that I began to slowly lose myself.. I started to shut my heart off, hoping that this would be easier than dealing with the emotions that came with it. Let me tell you It is not easier to block the emotions off, in hindsight it caused more trouble than it prevented. I shut off my husband who in return shut me out. Our marriage crumbled and we went our separate ways… but how do we move forward?
Everyone moves on in different ways. Heck, I knew people when I was growing up who started dating someone the same day they broke up with someone else. But after years of attachment to one person…. how do you start over?
For awhile, I kept myself busy. Going out with friends. Doing things that I hadn’t done in years. Anything that was going to keep my mind off the idea that I was going to be 27… and divorced. After awhile I would just lay in bed at night wondering if there was something that could have gone differently..Being alone.. was when the worst of my thoughts would come out. None of which resulted to me returning to my husband for the idea of being lonely, but more so the idea of if I ever really would find “the one” that I was supposed to spend my life with. Yes I know, I was 27 at the time of all of this.. but I grew up in a family where everyone was married at 21 with kids at 23, 24. By their standards being getting married the same year that I was turning 25 was something that was absolutely unheard of. Let alone to be going through a divorce only two short years after we said our ‘I DOS’. I started to think that I was a disappointment… the black sheep… but then I realized that for a long time.. I jeopardized my own happiness.. and now.. now I’m on a new journey of self discovery. For the first time in years, I’m doing things that have always made me happy. Why did I lose that? Why do we lose that? We put ourselves on hold to please others when we forget that we also need to please ourselves. Is that normal? That we put a piece of ourselves aside for our spouse. What if instead of doing that we include our spouses in our happy things to grow together? Unfortunately, it is too late in my relationship but it isn’t too late in yours. Share in your happiness and bond together… not grow apart. No you don’t have to take my advice… but try it… and see where your relationship ends up… nothing worse can happen from what is happening right now. Don’t be the person who has to go through loving and losing… be the person that loves and loves forever….
Until my next letter;
Your dear friend.